woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
