Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
