hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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