I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
