About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
