twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
