there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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