My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
