I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
