my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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