I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
