Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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