guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
