dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
