Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
