The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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