After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
