Jerry, you need to find god
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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