I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
