everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
