I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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