Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
