I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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