Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
