The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
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