so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
