toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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