Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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