I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
