Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
