i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
