dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Hippo gnu deer
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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