i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Randomize
