I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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