Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
