I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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