yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
