Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
