Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
