i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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