So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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