No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
