The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
