I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
