my mouth tastes like poor choices
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
