He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
