I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
