I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
