I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
He shit in the fireplace
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
