do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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