she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
